The right to be angry, the goodness of defiance
"Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are."
One of the things about the moment we’re in is that it feels like any expression of agitation is trite, invalid, or useless. This started being the case even before the pandemic, in my opinion. Posting my feelings of anything on social media would instantanously present me with a set of people of particular markets of opinion about them; I would either have to become hypervigillant about the forthcoming disagreements, or augment the experssions and audience I made. The expression of a personal opinion seemed to be much more of a social engagement than it used to be; it’s a sort of insideous undermining of privacy, not that we don’t already have concrete manifestations of that happening right now, either.
But I digress; but here we are.
Now that we are firmly in 2021, what emotions are left? What can you legigimtaely feel now? There is plenty of hope to be about vaccines, and maybe you feel hopeful about U.S. politics again, or “Less Hopeless” perhaps? There’s that sense of, “oh, it’s not a big deal” - and there is also the reality that many of us have been away from Normal for nearly 12 months, wherever the responsibility should land.
Today my personal catharsis is that I don’t care.
It’s interesting though, because my not caring has a particular attitude vector towards it; I recently made a post about recent Joker films, and how decendence into apathy and absurdism is so befitting of this prime pandemic present momemt.
My not caring is in defiance of whatever values or hope that I may still feel. I have spent the last week, even the last 48 hours dealing with all of these: a stalwart friend having a breakdown this morning and just needing to talk about it; a new friend disclosing and dealing with the severity of their family’s toxic nature, which is recently escalated to to aging parent’s questionable mitigation of fears of death and the future; a BFF manging their own PTSD and identiy and expressions full-on within the context of pandemic dating; general grieving & anniversaries; and the specific processing of loosing the highest caliber person, among others. I see, we see, a world that is relatively screwed in terms of all climate models; a “leader of the free world” in America that is who-knows-what right now; and a continously distorted sense of what the future can provide, no less what seems worthy of placing trust in.
All the reasons are here, there is an abundance to not care and decay, to throw in the towel. There’s no particular shame in it from me, by the way. I, we, have all been there at some point recently. But today, I don’t care, in the most positive sense.
I’m well versed with the crowd full of good people who are Positive Vibes Only about the future. God bless. But there is a place for dissatisfaction and defiance, as well. There’s a particular empowerment in the choice of choosing to do good things while surrounded with and acknowleding the complete bogusness of what is going on.
Today, that is in line with my sense of aliveness. I am in the middle of a 2-3 week period of constant below-freezing temperatures, here in the Northeastern USA. I have never had such a desire to not leave my house, in my lifetime, ever — and I said this exact same things 1 or 2 months ago, too.
“It’s cold outside, but there’s a fire burning inside”
I have created more art the last 6 months than ever, for better or worse. One of them is a piece that I’m still working on, called “The True Face of Hope”, which, perhaps ironically, I thought about before the worst of these times fully set in. Perhaps I know about Hope even better today. Another creation is a “Concept Album”, or maybe collection of poems; another are songs I’ve written to important people in my life; maybe even the silly dances everyone is doing now count as art. I try to sing whenever I can. Sometimes you have to make yourself remember to do it.
To that end, I am making a list. A list of acts of defiance. The Norbert Wiener quote above has, over the course of me knowing it, become increasingly more hopeful, in spite of its somewhat underwhelming presentation.
The declaration of our own nature and the attempt to build an enclave of organization is an insolance against the cods and the iron necessity the impose.
My declaration is that I don’t care - but I don’t care about the reasons not to care.
I find no strength in the apathy, nor in the lack of acknowledgement of how dispcable, disgusting, dishonorable, cruel, and unworthy that humans have been, are, and likely will be; that I myself have been. I choose, I declare, in defiance of this - and to me, that feels alive, it feels real, and it feels like I’m living knowing the value of the loss at hand. It feels like a healthy relationship to the risk that is at hand.
I do believe that we are in a period of time where choices here, at this bottleneck of bottlenecks containing so many divergent sets of inertia, cumulative foces, transgenerational influences, planetary and galactic-scale timelines all playing out - where things matter a whole lot. I can see, and I feel often, the inevitability of failure and nothingness there, waiting, the cosmic indifference simply waiting for us all to get tired enough. Yes, it’s there, yes, I see you, yes, I will be tired some days, and tired ultimately. But today I am defiant, and I choose defiance. I choose my practice and my values, I make my declaration. I make it inspite of the loss of life, and the loss of closeness that I have suffered, and the horrors of having contributed to the suffering of others, either through my own ignorance, negligance, or simply being a part of this exploitative global civilization. “Heedlessness”, as someone said.
If Hope’s daughters Anger and Courage are what they are, then perhaps Defiance starts at home. There is an art form— one that I actually do feel somewhat trained to at least perceive via the emphasis on critical thinking and my initial undergraduate education in liberal arts— in understanding where to direct your anger, courage, and yes defiance. It is not easy, but it is there, and worth reflection. But for this, initial lighting of the fire, the spark of personal sentiment and “Skin in the Game”, has to be chosen, built up, stoked, perhaps daily. I have no five-point-plan for you, dear reader, but I invite you to suggest your own, here or to me in general.
Powerful in Practice
Here’s what I’ve got for some Every Single Day items to bring some meaning, sacredness, or whatever sense of stick-it-to-the-man (or cosmic indifference) that you’d prefer:
Sing every day. Dancing and movement are important, but as I heard this morning, (“This is the Voice” by Colapinto), there is a particular quality of language and imbuing meaning that comes through singing. Any kind of music or artisty works, too, but I will encourage singing, regardless of how you think you sound. “Art is the highest form of Hope.”
Tell somebody you love them. Do it. You know why. Do it.
Declare & prepare some part of your identity. Whether its your favorite mug or tea within it, a piece of jewelry, or some miniscule but personal action - I say, every day, do something that asserts a personal meaning out into the universe. Create it. Maybe it spins into larger creative projects, or adds on to an existing one. But don’t loose this connection, it may be your lifeline, this engagement in the conversation.
Read or reflect. Speaking of “the conversation”: as much as I’ve dunked on the quality of civilization, there have been some things worth fighting for— right, Mr Frodo? Find someone who write or created an artifact that speaks to you, and '“converse” with them. The continuity is there, the meaning is there, the conversation goes on.
Take care of yourself. If you don’t get sleep, all of this will be harder. Look into what you can do, from time away from screens, to therapy, to exercise, to having positive people in your life. It all affects your capacity to choose defiance, to imbue with meaning.
This is my starting point. I will flesh out my own list and enact it, and maybe share here, too. I feel less on fire and a little more calm after writing this— but that’s not a bad thing, to me. There are tides, and everyone’s energy is fairly inconsistent right now as it is. A friend of mine is offering some solidarity with a deep work focus, away from screens kind of deal, perhaps I’ll join that. But I tell you what, I’m to a place where I know some of this practice will be vital for my well being. I hope it may serve yours, too.
All the best.
Jesse